The Life I Want to Live…

Do you ever feel like someone else is living the life you want to live, and doing a better job of it than you ever could?

I feel that way today.

There are so many things I want to say, to do, and I sometimes feel like I am meant to be a spectator in life rather than a player.  ADD-brain and mommy exhaustion and money (or lack thereof) and life seem to keep getting in the way. Meanwhile, I see those around me doing, instead of ADD-ing out, or choosing that fifteen-minute catnap on the couch, or spending or saving all that money in the ways I want to, and I feel that there is no way I could measure up even if I had the chance to do it all. Soooo, I have a blog pity-party.Just kidding..sorta.

Luckily, as I was having the tumultuous thoughts, brought on by the things I saw in my facebook feed, I read my friend Sara’s blog again. (Read it. Really.)

I found it to be so completely inspiring. Everything I am about to say, Sara already said more eloquently, but it evoked such a response in me, that I had to type it out; I had to put it in black and white, like a contract; I had to make it mean something, so that I don’t wriggle out of it.

The pity-party ends now. Yes, I am flighty without meaning to be, tired from doing the same things all other mommies do, and trying to be careful with my money just like all of my friends. And that is allowed. Guess what? I also say the wrong thing about seven times out of ten, am sometimes socially retarded,  am almost always running about 4 minutes late, and am horrible at returning things I borrow.

However, I will not continue to sit on the sidelines and feel inadequate because I am not a super-mom or super-wife or super-anything, really. I will stop comparing myself to others, because it is a waste of time. Plus, if you could see all the amazing women in my life, you would understand that comparing myself to them with their organized lives and perfectly coiffed hair and impossibly tidy houses is like…well, there just isn’t any adequate comparison. If I was one circle of a Venn Diagram, and one of them was the other, there would be nothing written in the middle of the diagram.

But do you know what? It is wonderful that I am blessed with such amazing women in my life, to learn from and to turn to.  I don’t have to be them. I will be the best Caity I can be. I will be a Caity-army of one. I will do. I will clean.  I will play. I will text my friend who is probably mad at me because I forgot to text her back the other day (Sorry, Miranda!). I will get more involved with those girls who seem to have such a good time together, and stop worrying about whether my shoes are cute enough. I will be a fun and active mom who enriches her children’s lives. I WILL HOLD that plank position in my workout for over a minute thankyouverymuch and I will not, will not, WILL NOT cheat. I will not nap when I could be blogging and getting ahead of that laundry. I will blog, even though I have  at least three friends, born writers, whose blogs seem all kindsa professional and it is intimidating as heck.  I willeven find time and energy to fix my hair and makeup—oh, YES, that is RIGHT, ladies!— before hubby gets home, and greet him with a big  happy kiss that gives away none (ok, almost none) of the stress and all of the joy of being inside these four walls with a two-year-old tornado and his annoyed big sister all day.

Aaaaandddd…if in the process of actually living my life, I happen to neglect putting away the dishes in the dishwasher until bedtime, or putting away that little stack of Andie’s laundry that has been sitting on the side table for almost thirty-six hours now, it will be ok. Really!!

God didn’t make us to sit on the sidelines. He made us to win the game. I am going to start winning. Not Charlie-Sheen-winning, but real winning, making every second count and realizing that feeling inadequate  is just a waste of those precious seconds. The gloves are off. I’m taking the bull by the horns. I’m jumping in headfirst. I’m just doing it. I’m…running out of cliches.

Will you win with me?





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